back! and always wanting more

Well... we did it! Matt I went to England and Scotland and Ireland! Did we have a killer time? YES. Did we grow closer together? YES. Were our children fine? YES. Do we want to travel more? HELLS YES. We came back renewed, refreshed, enlightened. We talked about history, art, culture, people. We ate delicious meals at great restaurants and talked without children interrupting us. We saw beautiful places that filled our hearts. We walked. A LOT. We felt very at home in the English countryside!

And I set foot in Downton Abbey. CAN YOU FREAKING BELIEVE IT?! We went inside the house too and saw the rooms from the show. We had tea on the grounds. We bought crappy merch. It was way better than I could have ever imagined. What a place!

When we got back I was home for a few weeks and I'm on a short job right now while leading a small group of women and reading "Dare to Lead". It's been a nice mix of being a mom, being stimulated outside of work, serving, and now working. I think that's probably why right now I have a sense of contentment because I'm hitting all those things that are important to me. All those things that help me feel like I'm growing and adding value to my life and the lives around me. I realized that I am having a much easier time identifying my feelings, thank you therapy. And being open about how I'm feeling especially to myself has been incredibly illuminating and freeing. I no longer want to fight these fights within myself to suppress certain needs like needing to be alone and needing to grow and needing to explore. Those are genuine needs, not some selfish agenda. Those things give my life fuel and then I can pour into those around me. I think a majority of my life I spent it having to worry very much about me in a different way because neither my mother nor father gave any thoughts to my emotional wellbeing. I think that might be common in some worlds but having then to also step into a role as the big sister while our mother parented alone made me put myself to the side in order to take care of my sisters' needs and I put on an armor of self-protection. No one took care of me so I took care of me. But not emotionally. I would write a lot as a kid, journaled a lot. I think that helped me process but rarely had that bounce board that therapy and honest friendships and a good marriage can help you realize. I was hiding behind some feelings and used them as defensive weapons to protect myself. I hid behind anger. I don't want to hide any longer. I want more.

Dunno how I went into that but I am seizing this moment I am stealing to mark those words.

I am here.