i've let myself go

This is something that I tell myself when I look in the mirror at my overweight body. Man EvY, you've let yourself go. And like... when I say that it's obvious that I am talking about how my normally much thinner self is no longer thin. Temporarily no longer thin. Because I will get there again, I can. I will. And I'm not even saying that I'm not cute or that I hate myself or anything like that, it's more of I know I can look better in clothing.

One place that I associate with the better me and my style in particular is New York. Because I am obvious. I don't even remember feeling like people were better dressed that much better than I was but I just remember knowing that I could do better. A part of it is a cheat because the times I was there it was cold and all you need to make an outfit look good is a cool jacket and if you know me you know I know my way around a cool jacket. But somehow my style developed and settled after those trips to the Empire State. Yeah, mostly black and white, some color, casual but dressed up. Me. Though back in 2013 I was rocking sneakers with way more things than I should have but they're cool now so let's pretend I was ahead of the game 'kay? I look at my mirror selfies from back then and it's still me. Just the cuter version of me.

The funny thing about my feeling that New York is associated with this cool girl before kids because New York... caused children. After that trip I found out I was pregnant and of course, things were never the same again. I let my body go. I was running up to 5 miles three times a week and was running in New York up until I got back and stopped running almost immediately after that pregnancy test was positive because as you recall, I got SUPER sick with Alice and barely held anything down and all food was disgusting and I was never in the mood to run. After she was born I lost weight really quickly due to the nursing but as I've mentioned before instead of being careful I ate horribly and gained a ton of weight that I never lost because I was, you know... a working mom that prioritized sleep over fitness. And after two years of that I went and got pregnant again and was even SICKER with the boy. But now he's born, now he's five months old and now I have two children and a husband and a house and a job (sometimes) and no time to myself.

I have let myself go.

My day revolves around them. My thoughts revolve around them. And my body is still feeding one of them. My body wakes up and goes to work so I can provide for them no matter how little sleep I got. I am my lowest priority right now.

I really have let myself go. As mothers do for their children, for their families. We let go of me.

I went and scrolled back through these old pictures of our life before the kids and I found workout selfies of a much thinner, fitter woman and found photos of things I'd see during my runs. Runs in San Diego, runs in Chicago. And one particularly long run in Central Park. I would usually run one route but that day I decided to go a different route and went past the Central Park Zoo and came across something that stopped me dead in my tracks. It was the Alice in Wonderland statue. I came across it totally accidentally but knowing it existed and always wanting to see it in person. I walked around it and read the inscription and said to myself someday I'll bring my kid here.

What I didn't know at the time was that Alice was there. Teeny tiny but she was there inside of me about to change my life in a way I never knew possible. Changing my body in a way I never knew possible. Stretching it, aching it, it would never be the same again and I have the stretch marks and scars to prove it.

And now that both of my kids are here, now that I am (almost!) done sacrificing my body to house them within me and feed them with it on the outside of it, I need to make efforts to take care of my body again. I've let myself go and it's time to find myself again.