the first time i was fired

A conversation I was having with Matt last week reminded me of the first time I was fired from a job. It was fall of my senior year at Biola and I'd gotten this internship at a company where they were actually gonna be paying me so it was a big deal. A few weeks into it I was pretty miserable, one of the partners at the company was a major asshole and that's the state of mind I was in when I found out I was fired. I changed the names 'cause I dunno why but I did.

"Wednesday, December 3, 2003

It's over. My job @ [company name] is over. I've been talking to everyone about what a sucky time I've been having @ work and today I received the following email:

"Evelyn: Business here has escalated to the point where we need a full time office person. We have found someone who can start right away and we have hired her. So, Friday will be the final day of your internship with us. Please remember to turn in your keys and relay any computer passwords there may be. This has been discussed with P-, M-, and R- and all concur. We are not able to carry all the salaries at once. If you decide you don't want to come in on Friday, please put the keys in the mail along with the computer codes. If you do come Friday, remember we are alarmed now so you cannot come in before me. 

Thanks, B-"

Talk about an answer to prayer. I was absolutely miserable for a long time & now it's over. My only major feeling is that I know I could have done better. I know I could have done more & now I'm out. Part of me thinks thinks my bosses were absolutely horrendous. Another knows that my performance didn't improve over time. Maybe it even deteriorated. Was it intentional or am I really a moron? Am I cut out for Hollywood? Are they really letting me go because of the need for a full timer? I think since I've been gone so much B- has had to take all of M-'s shit & he needs someone there. I can't deny the hostility towards me on Tuesday. B- was refusing to make eye contact with me. Weird. Here I am writing & B- called me. He restated that it was because of them needing someone full time & sounded okay on the phone. He even reminded me to fill out a time card they owed me. Still, I have that good ole nagging feeling that I sucked & now I've been fired from my first job. On the plus side, I am now once again, a full time RTFer."

I've never been fired from a job since, though I'm sure opportunity will arise, but it was such a strange combinations of emotions that arose from that. I felt like a failure. I was happy. Relieved. I was vindicated years later when I became a freelancer after graduation and had dinner with a few co-workers and one of them in conversation mentioned what an asshole this one guy was and I asked who and what did you know, same guy I hated. The mother tucker yelled okay. I've only heard two dudes raise their voices in my business over the past 8 years and they were not directed at me. And this boss was supposed to be a Christian to boot!

But the tone of the email I remember feeling that it was so cold. I was a harmless 21 year old, did it make them feel good telling me in such a cold manner that I was fired? I didn't deserve that. I was just a kid. I think the dude that fired me must've realized that because the phone call was much more pleasant than the email. They had their reasons for letting me go and they were right to do so for their reasons. I didn't have the experience and I sure as heck didn't have the time, being a full time student. And now that I've been successful at the same line of work they're in, that question of "Am I cut out for Hollywood?" has been answered. 

The answer was yes, in case you were wondering.