no, but really

I haven't been very inspired to write because to be honest, I haven't felt myself lately.

I've started and stopped a few posts about either deep thoughts or frivolous pursuits and haven't made up my mind which me I was going to put up here.

I wrote about it earlier but sort of glazed over the nitty gritty of it and now that I'm home and have time to think about things, it's been weighing on me heavily just how crappy it is to have no relationship with your mother. Well... I say that with a grain of salt because if you knew how peaceful it feels to not have to deal with her that it seems like it's a good thing. But it's still a failure. A failure to thrive, a failure to communicate, a failure to find common ground. At the moment I've completely blocked her from my life because I'm not strong enough to attempt to enter the path of the destruction she leaves in her wake, where she curses at me in all caps and tells me I'm worthless and live a false life and tells my sister awful things I can't repeat. All those arrows: they sting.

And it's a feeling that you're in the wrong because how could someone treat you this way unless they were right and you deserved it? Ah, but that's what we call being in an abusive relationship. Being in a bad relationship. Hot damn, I'm glad I wrote this down now, hadn't thought of it that way.

Mostly at the moment I've been reading and hearing a lot of people give a lot of opinions and share their lives in this way that I wasn't sure how I fit into the noise. So I started and stopped a lot of posts. I hope this one makes it.