money and time

We've started a new series at church called "The Space Between" about living life within margins. I don't quite have the time to expand on the concept but it's been really hitting home lately. The first one was about finances and the second one was about time. Time and money, the two things everyone could use more of right? So it's about those two things my brain has been going.

Money. This year has been TIGHT with finances. The primary breadwinner went and had a baby and then didn't work for three months planned, a fourth month kinda planned, and a fifth month definitely not planned. The first three months I had a maternity leave money but the other two we just ate into savings. Work was slow. Then after that it was off and on with three weeks unintentionally just a few weeks ago. And then our AC broke and we had to replace it and that was not cheap my friends. I make a pretty good living when I work so working nonstop for about three months was really helpful but not enough to help us bank extra savings and definitely not enough to qualify for a refi which we applied for a few weeks ago. Just last week my sister in-law called and we chatted about the refi and it was just after a sermon about money and living within margins and after Matt and I went and cut everything we needed to cut in our finances and not spending anything on anything other than food (and some smart christmas present fenagaling). She told me we didn't qualify because my income didn't show that I was steady which totally makes sense. I can't even say it was disappointing to hear. We did want to do the refi and cash out to do the remodel we were talking about but I just felt this big sense of peace about waiting. Just wait 'til next year. Wait 'til I am working steadily again. Wait 'til we replenish savings. Wait. Just wait. And you know me and wanting to do projects I am alllll about them. But honestly, it just wasn't ranking high on things that were super important. We own a house. In California. In greater Los Angeles. In a popular neighborhood. I mean, sheesh, that's huge enough. And I am grateful every single day about it, I really am. I'm not sitting here like ugh I hate this house, I hate this kitchen blah blah. I love this house. I love our kitchen. I just want to make them better. That's just the nature of me: I want better. But right now, we're just gonna wait. We're gonna do the little things we can do in the meantime and then we'll try again later to apply and who knows what will be going on by then. Hopefully: more money.

I got into this chat with Matt about wanting less things and realizing that the things I wanted and kept wishing for were just better versions of things I already owned. Which means: I don't need those things. They're not high on the priority list. And when time comes to upgrade things I don't want to cut corners anymore. I want to invest in things that we will like and that will last. This includes clothes too. Instead of three crappy cheap jeans, one pair of good ones that fit well. Etcetera.

And time. I think our pastor talks a lot about busyness because that's the nature of the town we live in. Everyone's always "busy". Matt and I are not "busy" per se. We don't have a lot of time because we have two small children and our days are consumed by them. They are needy of our time and desperate for our attention. Most weekends we're pretty free and we only have one weekly scheduled activity (small group/bible study) and the rest of the time it's just trying to carve time with the kids and each other. When I'm working I want to come home as quickly as possible and spend it with the kids before they go to bed around 8/9. Then wake up, get ready, go to work, try to get home as quickly as possible and spend it with the kids before they go to bed around 8/9. Repeat. So that leaves little time for each other or ourselves outside of work and the kids. Some nights we watch a tv show, some nights I organize something in the house, some nights I work, and some nights I just spend time alone watching tv or right now I just felt like I wanted to write a little bit just 'cause. I feel guilty about time and wasting time. I waste a lot of time. I prioritize things in weird ways sometimes. I start projects that can wait. I am carving out time to go to therapy every few weeks which is becoming a pretty good thing. I need time for me and I've been needing to take the time to deal with my stuff for decades and now is the time. If not now, when? Good a time as any. And we still need more time alone me and Matt. We still crave that quality time just the two of us. Which I am grateful to have that feeling. We like hanging out together after all this time and that's good!

The sermon this week asked this: What does it mean to number my days?

+ - > <
What do I need to add?
What do I need to remove?
What do I need to do more of?
What do I need to do less of?

I'm gonna start there. And I'm gonna stop here. Because it's time... for bed.