one year later

Well it’s been a year since the inauguration of that shithole into office. Things are amazing, I was so wrong. Ever since he became president we’ve seen unprecedented harmony and love between all Americans. People have never been nicer, racism is all but gone, and the US is the most respected and admired country in the world. He’s matured so much as a person, is super presidential and never acts unbecoming on Twitter or elsewhere.

NOT.

Come on y’all. It sucks. Every few days he throws some temper tantrum on Twitter that attacks someone personally amongst a plethora of annoying things that he and his administration handles.

In fact, here are some lessons I’ve learned from the president of the United States, things I hope to pass onto my children:

1. If anyone thinks unfavorably of you they are wrong and anything like a poll that says otherwise is a lie.
2. If anyone criticizes you, take that opportunity to make it personal and attack their looks, their past, anything you have at your disposal, use it. 
3. If a person of color or a woman criticizes me, I should be even more pissed. They are lower life forms and deserve to be attacked harsher than anyone.
4. If I do anything positive or good I should expect a huge amount of praise and thanks. It should be done publicly and quickly. If anything is not done to this specification, I am free to attack them any way I see fit condemning/wishing upon them any harm I can think of.
5. Ethics do not apply to me or my personal businesses. I am free to make money off of them and can promote them any way possible.
6. I was right in criticizing the former president of the US for golfing too much. Even though I am at one of my resorts golfing more times that he did his entire presidency I am still right.
7. White men are better and right. So if say a white rapper criticizes me I won’t attack him but if a Latina mayor of a town devastated by a hurricane criticizes my administration, she gets a thumping.
8. I can get away with anything as long as I claim/pretend that I’m a Christian. Ditto to anyone else running for office even if there are pretty substantiated claims that he is a pedophile.

That’s just like… SOME of the bad stuff. 

On top of that he continues to spout racist bullshit about Mexicans and how drug and crime infested it is that these illegals are just POURING into America throwing drugs and we still need that fucking wall he was talking about. What a racist crock. Instead of trying to be a real man and real person and real leader one could do something about illegal immigration in a way that was more what’s that word… decent and diplomatic? But his racist base demands some sound byte and that wall is his big thing.

Anyway, who gives a crap about that dweeb, this is about me and how I personally have been impacted by this joke of a human being. (I mean seriously you guys, he thinks that beauty pageants are cool. He thinks that branded steaks are high class. He hosted a reality tv show. JOKE.) Overall it’s not really affected me financially in any way so far and hasn’t affected my freedoms day to day. I’m waiting and waiting for some way this administration is going to screw me for being either Mexican or a mom or a female breadwinner but since I live in California I’ve been safe so far. I’m on pins and needles about the healthcare stuff and the  tax reform stuff because they claim the middle class is safe and would get a tax break, I’m not comforted. The healthcare stuff worries me because if premiums start going up I hope it won’t affect my employer provided healthcare since through it I insure my husband and two children. I pay an extra $450 a month which is not bad so I hope I hope I hope weird stuff doesn’t start happening. 

Emotionally though, it is taking a toll on me. Spiritually, I am affected. I have taken a break from reading Twitter or the news which is great for me. It’s hard to avoid not knowing everything but it was so exhausting so just getting the highlights is the best I can spare for now. I mentioned that I’ve been going to therapy and while I never want to go when it’s time to go I am so glad when I leave. It’s really helped me process things and realize what it is that I’m angry at. 

I was also in a deep darkness for a lot of last year and I have d d d depression. Hormones + fearing for my safety and safety of my children drove me down down down. Shutting down the news was step one and therapy was step 2. I hate how much time it took me away from my son’s first year. I feel like I missed out some the highs of his babydom because I was just so hurt and angry a lot of the time. But things are coming out the darkness a lot more and there’s a tiny light and some hope and well, time. Hopefully just 7 more years of that awful rhetoric, 3 more if God is merciful. 

Things haven’t been the same with my extended family since the election since a lot of them voted for him. I don’t trust any of them. I don’t really want to be around any of them. I understand I have to deal with people who don’t agree with me on politics and religion but do I have to enjoy and revel in constant bigotry and racism? Do I have to embrace the fact that they want to build a wall between the country that made me and the country that shaped me? Do I feel safe knowing that despite the fact that I’m Mexican and that my children are half Mexican that I am valued in their eyes? That they honestly care about me and want for my safety and well being? And don’t even get me started on what it’s supposed to mean that they consider themselves Christians and they thought the most Christian thing they could do was align themselves with such hate. Align themselves with such a man. I don’t know how to deal with this and that is the part that’s talked about a lot in my therapy sessions. 

Last year was pretty sucky. Actually it was just fucking awful a lot of times.

BUT.

This year. 

I have hope. I have faith. I have family. I have work. I have friends. Somewhere underneath all this racism and hatred there is still a country I loved and was proud of. We still have National Parks (for now) and libraries and public education (for now). These are things I had last year too but it was hard to see through the darkness. I will continue to fight against the dying of the light. Let's keep resisting.