dare to have my butt handed to me

I'm part of my church's women's leadership board, did I tell you that? We formed what became the base of the women's ministry, please don't call it that. This year for the summer we ran a pilot program where we had small groups but they were populated by only women and each group met at different times and had different topics. I chose the topic of women in the workplace, called it Women at Work and lead a group of about 14 women weekly for five weeks. We read the book "Dare to Lead" by Brene Brown and discussed it weekly as well as other lady in the workplace hot topics. We'd drink Rosé, I put cute pink and blue things around, turn on the twinkle lights, we'd hang in my backyard, eat cheese... AND USE A CLIPBOARD TO WORK ON EXERCISES FROM THE BOOK THAT KICKED MY ASS EVERY WEEK AS WE TALKED ABOUT SHAME, VULNERABILITY, COURAGE, EMPATHY, VALUES, AND FAILURE.

Yeah, that's right. Instead of just some Lean In woo-hoo yeah lady power we got our butts handed to us every week by being forced to think about who we are and what our values are. If I'd have known this book was going to be as intense as it was... I don't know if I would have done it. Then again, after a year of therapy and continued desire and need for further growth, this book was pretty important for this time in my life. That of stripping back and no longer hiding anymore.

After my son's birth, I was in a deep dark place. What was later diagnosed as depression led to having to deal with all the junk I had been avoiding for years. It's not like I didn't believe in therapy or had something against it nah, I really was an advocate for it. I just avoided it and made excuses until I was so awful that I must have just said okay, nothing else is working, lemme try this thing. And I HATED going, I wanted so badly to avoid going. I guess, okay, I didn't HATE going. Okay I hated having TO go but after each session, I was so glad I had gone. It was awful at home. It was definitely worse before it got better. It was like when I organize and just make chaos of all the cupboards and counters and pull everything out, look at it, and put back what I'm keeping or toss what I'm not. It's so much worse before it gets better. I think the beginning of therapy for the partner that is not going is just meeting resistance. I didn't think I needed that much help or I was that bad. I was so wrong. I was an absolute angry asshole and lashed at the world and took it out on people I did not need to do that to. I'm still stewing in that knowledge of all the people I hurt advertently or inadvertently in the midst of growing up. I have a lot of apologies to write and send. I have a lot of work to do still.

I guess I was surprised that this book had us reach to the insides of us to access that great leader. Great leaders are vulnerable and here we were us 14 sharing some very difficult things and no body shirked away from it. Nobody ran. We dug in. We rumbled. We embraced the suck.

One of my favorite times was when we had to talk about values. There was a list and we had to narrow it down to only two. As I read the list I marked the ones that sounded good to me but when I got to two in particular, I knew those two were my values. They were 'home' and 'growth'. Home I took to mean that general feeling of feeling at home, literally my house, and the people that are home to me, aka my family. And growth I took as that constant desire for me to never stop. That feeling that even if it sucked or felt pointless, if I learned something, it was worth it. I always want to grow and I want people around me that want to grow. If I don't grow, I feel like I die inside. I think that's why it's kinda shocking I resisted getting help for so long but I realized it's because I thought I could do it alone. I thought I could just grow by myself. I thought I could just white knuckle and do it. But, HA! Hells nah girl. I needed help. I could NOT do it by myself, no matter what I tried doing over and over again and expecting a different result... oh yes, the very definition of insanity, when finally you truly change a behavior, it's because you got to the root of it. And it BLOWS getting to the root of it but once you shine a light on it, it starts getting smaller and smaller. Once you give it a name, it runs away. Once you own it, it no longer owns you. And lots of other cool therapy people slogans!

I feel a little bit like I deserve an eye roll. I used to hate these types of books. I used to hate these types of talks. I used to think I was above this dumb crap. I used to be an idiot. I am so much smarter now! I am way better now! I am sure as heck not done yet, not even close homie. But man... I can see why people start therapy and go down this crazy feelings and book reading and hunger and thirst for knowledge. It's almost like a new addiction except healthy. Let's just call it a new hobby. The hobby of owning our shit! The hobby of getting help! The hobby of admitting our weaknesses!

Did I feel ill equipped to be leading a group of women on leadership? Hells yeah. Did I do it anyway? Hells yeah. Did I love it? Hells yeah. Did I want to back out of it immediately after I agreed to do it? Hells yeah. Did I dread it sometimes? Hells yeah? Would I do it again? Hells yeah.

And this... at the end of the book we had to talk about the when you mess up. Not if, no. WHEN. Because you will. How will you get back up again? What will you do when you fall? Who will you hold accountable? And if it doesn't start with you, then you're hiding something. A big part of the books of Brene are about stories. Telling stories. We are all storytellers in this game of Life. And we get to write the stories of our lives and this little nugget at the end, if you can just remember and read this one thing that might make a little sense, I hope it's this... 

So this is me telling a story of a girl leading a group. And having her butt handed to hear on the regular and guess what? She liked it. It was good for her.