Friday, February 19, 2016

the worst of me

Not only am I a working mom but I'm a production working mom. The hours I keep when I'm working are pretty long and at the end of the day I'm home with Alice for a few hours before she goes to bed if I'm lucky. But those hours when I'm home with her are not the quality hours you would think. Alice is starting the terrible twos early, because duh, she's advanced. So when I get home I get someone that is tired and at her worst. 
When I get home, I have just spent hours talking to people, making deals with people, figuring amounts out, I've been driving for an hour to get home, I was probably up early, and I am pretty much at my worst. I want to sit down in front of a tv, stare at my phone, and tune out and just lay still until I can gather thoughts enough to decide to eat, shower, work, or sleep. Then I have to actually do those things which is harder than thinking about them. 

I want to be able to come home, leave my phone at the door and give her my undivided attention until she goes to bed and then look at my phone. But of course one of those times I left it and my boss gave me crap about not answering my phone and then there are emails and work things coming in that have to be replied to sometimes because they're timely. And sometimes I'm just texting and social media wasting. Way to go mom. That dumb thing is more important than your kid.

I want to be able to come home and pay attention to my husband when he's talking to me and he has spent all day away from me and just wants to talk and I am just spent.

So both of them are getting me when I am not myself. They are getting a tired, unresponsive, distracted mom and wife and I feel so awful because I've missed both of them all day and am so happy to see them but I don't show it. And she's difficult to deal with at that time and on a normal day when I'm home things wouldn't get to me but when I'm at my worst, they get to me. When I'm at my worst I read bedtime stories sobbing because she just spent 20 minutes screaming about everything from bathtime to diaper change to PJs. When I'm at my worst I snap at Matt for asking if I'm paying attention. They are the most important people in my life and what they see of me before they lay their heads down to sleep is me operating at no capacity. They see the worst of me.

I don't know how I can change this. I don't quite know what to do.

I shouldn't end this week on this bummer of a note because while it was a VERY tiring week with work (two shoot days and two big meetings) and with Alice acting out but I gained another year of life and tomorrow we're celebrating officially with people I love whom I hope will see the better side of me. Now I'm going to take my contacts out, get into PJs and try not to cry about the sucky emotional parts of being a working mother. I'm gonna have a better day tomorrow right?

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