Monday, June 27, 2016

of nail polish and self-care

I dunno if we've mentioned that we have had a young woman staying with us for the past few months while she finds a more permanent living situation. We've housed people in our home since we were kids and throughout our marriage Matt and I have been the intermediate home for a few friends and family so it's nothing too out of the ordinary. The only tricky part has been that I've lost the office to work out of and do my lady things like watching my stories and painting my nails.

I've been working from home for a few days and tried working in the living room to a major fail what with Alice constantly pawing at me and then I set up a desk in the master bedroom which works out mostly but it's hard to work with her knowing I'm there. You try just ignoring a sweet little voice jiggling the door handle and saying "mama, mama".'s been tricky. It's very clear what time are office hours when I'm literally in an office but when I'm home I feel that need to be a part of the family as well as be able to process payroll and when I don't finish my work and I have to stay up late and am mad at myself for not having been more productive well... who can I blame but myself? We had this conversation about women piling too much on themselves and we sure do that. I hadn't felt that way since I was home for a long time but even then, being mom all day every day even with the love and support of my man you just can't shake when the kid wants you and only you will do. But, I had been home for a month, I think I can step away for a few days to work, she is going to be just fine.

I have been absolutely the WORST at finding time for myself since Alice has arrived. And it's all my own doing too. In the beginning when you're nursing it's gotta be you but eventually they need to be fed less frequently and then you can start squeezing in some quality alone time and I've been so bad at acknowledging when I need it until I feel like I'm going crazy and start either snapping or crying. Tonight I was upset that I never found the time to just paint my nails.

So I stayed in the master and I painted my nails while watching 'Call the Midwife'. I didn't do work since I was actually productive and had finished it on Friday, and I just spent time alone. Of course the episode that night was about someone's mother dying and that very episode, I kid you not, the mother, a woman of means lamented the fact that she used to get manicures weekly and now on her deathbed, her daughter's friend urged her to just do her the kindness of painting her nails for her. The daughter said she couldn't really touch her, they never had that kind of relationship but the friend, who had also lost a mother, knew how important an act it was and encouraged her on.

When my nana was near the end of her life, I came to visit her. She was a very proud lady, she would dye her hair and paint her nails always looking clean and kept even though she had not much money and had been a widow for a long long time. She took the time to care for herself. When I saw her last, I noticed her nails and without asking, I grabbed nail clippers and a nail file and I trimmed and filed her nails. By then all had been said that was to say, she and I were always very warm towards each other. So we just sat there quietly, I could see in her eyes she appreciated the gesture, appreciated the warmth, the care.

The daughter on 'Call the Midwife' painted her mother's nails and the mother quietly and verbally appreciated the touch. I finished my nail painting and drew a bath. I take care of the family, I can take the time to take care of me too.

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