confessions of a crappy pregnancy

I wake up in the morning and feel slightly okay sometimes. I optimistically hope that maybe today will be a better day, maybe I've rounded a corner. I eat a bagel and a few hours later I'm nauseated again. Nope, just another day.

I need more protein but I have a hard time eating bean burritos. I can't make the fake meats because that means I have to cook them and that means opening the fridge.

The fridge is my enemy. So is the supermarket. And sometimes Disneyland. And anywhere smells permeate. I never noticed them before but now, boy do I. I can smell everything with a hyper sensitivity akin to superpower.

I get jealous of people just walking into Denny's. I watch them and think "Lucky them, they can just walk into a restaurant and know that they'll be able to order something and enjoy it." I haven't set foot in a restaurant in weeks. Food is always to go. I order two things because I will take a bite of one thing then decide nope, I don't like this.

One of my favorite things to eat used to be french fries, can't stand them right now.

Nothing tastes particularly good lately. I don't really want anything, I just decide based on what sounds the least repulsive and less likely to make me throw up.

I have to scroll through instagram very quickly in case of food pictures.

I also skip through parts of Alice's storybooks that have food.

I don't want to eat anything. I am never really hungry, I have to MAKE myself eat pretty much every two hours because otherwise I end up in the toilet.

I've missed so much church because when Matt serves it's just me and Alice and getting both of us dressed and fed and somewhere by 9:30am just doesn't happen.

Sometimes when I'm home with Alice by myself I let her watch way too much TV and play with the iPad for way too long because all I want to do is lay on the couch. She waffles between jumping all over me and squishing me in the tummy area to bringing me her stuffed monkey and tucking me in with a blanket.

I don't ever really want to go anywhere because that I just don't know how I'm going to be feeling. I make sure I've been fed and have mints, ginger candy, and gum before I leave in case I have to just try to stifle the nausea until I'm back in the comfort of my home.

A few weeks ago before I went on anti-nausea medication I felt so isolated and sad that I just cried a lot. I'd sit on the floor of the bathroom and just cry.

I tried to take Alice to the park one day and it was so hot that I barely made it there, she played for a few minutes and I took us back home and laid on the couch, exhausted.

Is this gonna get better? Why does my body act this way with pregnancy?

I am so glad I'm never gonna be pregnant again after this baby. I do not ever want to feel this awful again.

I feel so disconnected from this baby. I resent it sometimes for making me feel so awful. I don't look forward to meeting it as much as I look forward to just not being pregnant anymore. I hate feeling this way. I hate not being excited and looking forward to this new life when all I feel is bad.

Time is crawling by right now. Every day feels like a week.