My Solo Trips to Big Bear: PARENTS DO IT

Let's go way back to my journey with aloneness. I am the oldest of 5 children and was raised with noise and people around me constantly. I had created ways to get lost in my own world by staying up in my room on weekends when my sister was with her dad to journal and just enjoy my own company. When we were married pre-kids, I had loads of alone time when Matt would work. Then the kids were born and I was never alone. Ever. Definitely never on trips. I mean, yes, I would travel alone for work but I wasn't exactly on my own there. I'd either be sharing a room or house with a co-worker and work and dine with co-workers until the end of the day and only a few hours alone at night. Location shoots for production is exhausting. You're on call all day and night and there's nothing restful about it. 

For much of 2020 (even pre-pandemic) the concepts of rest, solitude, and silence became paramount to my mental health. Our marriage counselor suggested I try "doing one thing at a time" and the Solo Sunday rituals became a sacred time to myself to just do whatever I want. Usually it's cheese and Golden Girls but sometimes it's baths or cross-stitching time or writing. It works for me to feel refreshed going into a weekday. 

One of those Solo Sundays, after I had a run of events and celebrations and felt like I was free to rest again, I found myself in a bathtub reading bell hook's "all about love" which I've very slowly been reading over the year because the concept of love is so much more than we make it. Anyway... the chapter I was on was about self-love. Taking the time to care for your own self and learning how you like to be loved and deserve to be loved and if you can't show love to yourself how do you expect others to love you well? 

I'd already known that deep in my heart was the desire to take a trip by myself. I can't have quality time home because I'll feel like I have to do things and removing myself physically from a place frees my mind up to go inward to my heart. Anyway, bell hooks writing had me just nodding and saying you know what... now is the time... take the trip. So I booked 2 nights for myself in the cutest little cabin in Big Bear on Airbnb. 

There's something different about traveling by yourself that's different if you go with a partner or even a BFF. You can do WHATEVER YOU WANT WHENEVER YOU WANT. I dearly dearly love traveling with Matt, I feel like we're at our best together. BUT. I'm also traveling with a vegan that doesn't drink coffee or alcohol who likes to sleep in and take it slow. If it's EvY on EvY Time then I do whatever I want whenever I want with only one person to take into consideration: me.  

I learned the particular food habits of EvY on solo vacay. If I'm at an Airbnb with a kitchen I make myself a full breakfast (WITH MEAT. Things I can't do with a vegan in tow). I also pack myself a light lunch for the trail which this round was a Crustable. The second trip was a mini cheese plate. 

I am not a 'go out to eat' by myself person but I discovered that a crappy dinner out of a paper bag looks too sad so I like to treat myself to a nice dinner and eat alone at my place and fully plate the meal. I have not gotten used to eating solo at this level so I had a podcast with Brene Brown to keep me company. The episode was about Bishop Michael Curry talking about love. Felt perfect. 

I kept myself occupied cross-stitching, reading, and writing and taking hakes (fake hikes). 

On the first day of the trip I took a long hike and had a time of just sitting in silence and staring at this vista. No music. No podcasts. Just nature and Creator. And as I sat there in quiet for the first time in forever I heard a very clear voice from within tell me "You've been waiting for someone to hand you a diploma and tell you that you've graduated and are now a healthy person. Stop going into that cave and trying to fight that bear. You don't have to do that anymore." In no way did that make me feel like 'Hey I'm perfect'. But more like I have done the work of changing as a person into a healthier woman  (inside, working on the outside part now) and I can use that as a foundation to move forward. I don't have to keep mining my trauma to find something new to deal with, it's not affecting me the way it used to. I have reached a summit. And a voice told me the second day "It's time to climb another mountain." What that mountain is, I don't know. But it feels good to be facing the future instead of still feeling like I'm stuck in the past. For this revelation alone, the trip was so worth it. 

I also learned that I really enjoy having a cute space to live in. We truly are affected by our environments and this place really soothed my soul.

I am a full evangelist about telling parents to take these types of trips by themselves. Nothing like listening to the needs of your mind, body, and soul for days at a time to really balance a person out. You can't hear yourself when there's so much noise. The quiet helps you listen.

So I say: DO IT. If I had to give tips I'd say start small with a place that's driving distance but far enough away to feel like you are removed from daily life. Get yourself a place that doesn't feel very big and just enough for you alone otherwise you'll feel sad seeing an extra bedroom and feeling like the kids are supposed to be there. My place was the perfect size. Eat a few good meals. Don't bring your electronics or watch TV. Have some moments of absolute quiet with nothing to do but sit and listen. 

You'll be surprised what you learn about yourself and you'll be so grateful you did it. So go!