It started with a book.
Alexa had bought it and read it and passed it along with a note somewhere along the lines of I think you might enjoy this. I was grateful, as I always am for friends who send me books but it sat on my nightstand for months.
Something happened March of 2020, can't remember what, but all of a sudden there was time now. Time to read something, anything so I picked it up and thus began the journey of desert spirituality.
The book is about 3 spiritual practices the author considers the way of the heart. Solitude, silence, and prayer. I had mentioned before that our marriage counselor noticed that I needed to learn to just do one thing at a time because I'm "in my head a lot" so I started small. I'd grab a magazine and try to just read the magazine. No no, not the way you're doing it. You're checking your phone and you have the TV on in the background and you are doing your nails or eating something no. Just read the magazine. Do you know how much concerted effort it takes to ONLY read a magazine? Well I found out! It's embarrassing.
When I started reading the book I would do so during those magical mornings back in quarantine time when Matt would be 'on duty' and I would be 'off duty' and hanging out in the backyard by myself. That I found is the key to any sort of spiritual or rest practice for me: schedule. I know, that sounds so ridiculous that a person would have to schedule rest but have you met me? If I did not specifically make myself do nothing I would overbook me and everyone in my family around the clock. It's bad. I realized too that it was a very bad habit from being brought up in a home of chaos and inconsistency.
It began with this ritual around here we call Solo Sunday where on Sunday nights I take the evening to hang in my Room of Requirement and watch a fun movie or Golden Girls or Scrubs and eat cheese or a new addition this quarantine: monthly bath night. Whatever it is has to be restful and joyful and just for me. I do whatever I feel I need based on the week. If the week was very serious and I need to laugh or be joyful, I chill with some Golden Girls, Sex and the City, or RomComs. If I'm having a hard time feeling feelings, Scrubs. If I had a heavy screen week, writing or reading. The bath nights have grown and I now own a bath caddy, bath pillow, bath bombs, bubble baths, oils, it's epic. I do face masks or foot soaks or whatever but it's just about caring for my body and skin I live in. Solo Sundays are for me, the perfect way to end a weekend and start a week, on a restful note.
Now, I dunno how much faith/religion stuff I've chatted about here on this ole blog but if I'd want you to know something about me it's that I hate the word and the practice of 'religion'. And I go to church. But loathe religion. I actually get super down with the Biblical definition of religion: "Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans and widows in their trouble." I think by and large I had settled into the standard protestant Christian habits and practices that most of us settle on since that's all we know. We go to church, we read the Bible, we "pray". All well and good. But somewhere I felt like I'd been in the game awhile, was growing personally but, not necessarily deepening my faith or incorporating spiritual life into daily life. Something about randomly tossing the top 30 Bible verses into conversation didn't feel natural to me and "prayer" and Bible reading was non-existent. Maybe after decades in the church and a Biblical studies minor I needed a little something new. OLD SCHOOL SOMETHING NEW. Third century AD desert fathers old school.
So with the consistent practice of dedicated alone time I learned about solitude and silence as spiritual practices and a way to connect with God and creation. And if this sounds or is starting to sound a little new age-y but with Jesus I really can't blame you. It feels that way. I feel like some sort of Zen Monk that has a wifi. I say stuff like "My soul is aching for peace" and "that person is in a prison of un-love" and other crap. But... I like... mean it. I live it. I find myself in places and meditating where I really should be thinking about what size coffee I want. I will climb mountains and stare in silence and just breathe. Who dis bitch? I dunno. But... I like her. I love these new practices. I feel so much more connected to my Creator and people in a way that no other practices have worked before. These practices have actually led to a newfound resurgence of what do you know, actual Bible reading and praying. Maybe that part of my personality really thrives on that sort of moody/artistic/creative/soulful type of thought and being forced to listen to the voice within that I now know is the Holy Spirit has been so fruitful. In those practices I could finally hear what I really desperately needed to hear but I couldn't hear myself because I was just making so much noise. The world around me was making too much noise for me to hear the Spirit. The voice.
The practice which I avoided was the one on prayer. I wrote "prayer" in the paragraph above in quotations because I was and am still learning to pray. Not the 'our father who art in heaven' stuff. I learned about breath prayer and the practices of in all things praying. Communing with God. Just BEING with God. Sometimes not a word was said other than my breath prayer (a simple prayer you barely whisper that helps put your mind and soul to receive and listen like "God be with me" "Lord hear my prayer" etc. Like a mantra. I told you, new age-y but with Jesus). I kept avoiding the chapter on prayer until I finally ripped the bandage and realized to my relief it wasn't that ritualistic "I'll pray for you" type prayer. It was more than that, deeper than that. I find myself praying way more often now. It's a part of my daily life, inviting God into wherever I am, whatever moment I find myself in. It's so much more natural. It's like breathing.
I feel I'm giving very vague descriptions of what the practices all really entail but basically read the book and try them for yourself. It might not hit you in the sweet spot where it hit me but the concepts are so Biblical. Jesus would remove himself from his work and go to the desert to be alone with God. It's right in the Bible homies.
Very few things have done so much in so short a time to radically make me feel different than these spiritual practices. And it's just so hilariously weird to me too this monastic way of living. Especially in this the year of our Lord 2021 in a city like Los Angeles with a life spent on a computer. Who am I kidding right? I even mix in all the zen stuff with some Brene Brown, Ted Lasso episodes, jokes. But guess what... all of it is me. That's how I interpret the world. I can just as easily meditate with a worship song as I can with the First Man score. That's how God made me, and they didn't make a mistake.
I feel like I've been in a desert oasis for over a year and just starting to emerge from my sweet place into society. God's had enough of me resting and wants to make me climb that next mountain. And I finally feel ready for it and I welcome it.
Because I'm rebuking the evil and taking all these new monastic practices with me.
Get zen with it bitches.
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