About… 3 years ago my former church (recently former, we dissolved and that’s a whole essay) got really into talking about the Enneagram personality test. Out of curiosity I took the test and learned to my chagrin that I was an Enneagram 3 (w4). The Achiever. “The Success-Oriented, Pragmatic Type: Adaptable, Excelling, Driven, and Image-Conscious”. When I read the description of my personality type I said “no, this can’t be me, this person sounds like an asshole.” So I took the test again and I got the same result. Dammit, I am the asshole.
Once I came to terms with the numbers being correct I started reading about what that personality types’ driving forces are. What makes them feel seen and appreciated. What their underlying motivations are. It was all true. I was driven by wanting to feel valuable and worthwhile, I did want to feel that I was the best and that I stood out. I was acutely aware of how I was projecting my image at work and in life.
The 2nd day of my journal writing at age 12 had this written in it: “I have to try not to talk so much. Everyone thinks I’m a show-off. Have I got news for them. All I want is for everyone to like me and I want the teachers to think I’m smart & I know. I get really angry at my friends can’t they realize I need them? But I guess I need to change as much as they do.” Even then I knew what I wanted out of people.
Why I wanted it is multi-layered. I realized in 2020, watching my daughter’s school experience completely taken from her and going to online schooling, that school had always been a safe space for me and a place where an adult paid attention to me and affirmed me positively. I don’t think I got any of that at home. At home I was selfish and lazy and whatever other accusations could be made of me in a home with a mother that most likely has ‘narcissistic personality disorder’. But I stood out in class and I liked it.
I’ve learned that my personality type is very charming and a chameleon which explained why I thought I wanted to act or why I thought acting seemed easy to me. It wasn’t that I had the gift of acting like dear friends of mine do, it was that I was performing a part and that part was whatever I wanted or needed at the time. I enjoyed having large and varied groups of friends and didn’t like being tied down to one best friend or one group. My type is fickle and shallow when unhealthy, we move to the next cool thing fast. We excel in life because we want the appearance of perfection or having it all together. We want to be admired and liked by everyone. We are rarely satisfied with enough. We can never be satisfied, God I hope you’re satisfied….!
I gotta tell you, something about learning that I was not an insane person and that I fit into the characteristics of a certain type of personality that has certain tendencies and motivations was a freedom and understanding of myself I had not found in many searches. I own it to the level where I admit insane honest truths like “oh no, I’m fine to do this, I love attention” “hey you know how I think everything is a competition..” “I have to be the best at this pretty fast or I won’t care anymore” and other things.
I check myself regularly on all these tendencies and by and large try to use them to the advantage of whatever group or work environment or organization I’m in. Naturally inclined to leadership and outspokenness I have to figure out when to put that into effect in a way that's selfless and more for the good of the team. I suffer from a deplorable excess of self-assuredness which many find baffling. Insecure about things? Millions? But by and large I walk around with confidence in who I am and what I am capable of.
So yes, of course I am a producer. Of course I am the breadwinner. Of course I get chosen for committees and such. That’s how I’m wired. But let me tell you… none of that external fluff meant diddly squat compared to learning who I am in my identity with Christ and God and Holy Spirit. The work of mental health and healing has brought so much satisfaction to my life, more than any awards ever could. I know when the pulls to be that achiever are coming at me and when I need to listen and when I need to ignore them.
The other fun part of this equation and something that I really leaned into this pandemic has been the other side of my personality which is being a w4 (wing 4). Speaking of which…
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