I did not know the assault on my heart that working the sort of hours I've been working would have on me. Alice is fine. So good. She has her stash of milk I pump for her and her daddy takes her on long walks, plays with her, gets her down for naps, and makes her laugh and smile. She's been really interested in her toes and puts them in her mouth, rolls herself over from her back to her tummy and vice versa, and is getting chubby around the thighs.
The sucky part about these facts are how I hear about them more than I witness them. Last week I got home in time to tuck her in and change her diaper right before bed but on Sunday during the day when I changed a diaper I noticed how much chubbier her thighs were and I cried about the fact that I hadn't noticed that because its always dark in her room when I change her. I should know that her thighs are getting chubbier. I should know this.
She's decided her bedtime is 8:30-9 so now we work around that time. which is great since now Matt and I have alone time but that leaves me very little wiggle room to get home and hang with her. That Monday was the worst day where I was gone before she was up and then back after she was in bed. It was the day before our shoot and we were in the office from 7am 'til 10pm and she was asleep by the time I got home and I realized I hadn't spent any time with her all day save for a 4am feeding. Ugly cry ensued. Sob Sob. I JUST MISS HER. Boogers. I DIDN'T SEE HER ALL DAY!!! Blubber blubber.
Tuesday was our first shoot and by miracle, though I had to be at the location by 4:30am I was able to get home to hang for a few minutes and then put her to bed. And I do mean a few minutes. She was on her play mat and I held her and she touched my face and hugged me and smiled and laughed and then she started fussing because she knew milk was there and milk means bedtime and she was ready. Those minutes while I held her and saw her were full of happy tears. I love her that much. I miss her that much. And I can't do much about the situation but hang in there and know that Friday will be better and I'll be there for her in the morning and there for her at night. Then the weekend. Then a week of wrap, then I am done for the year and will be holding and hugging her as much as humanly possible. I didn't mind being back at work but those long days are absolute misery missing my Alice. And I know she won't remember these long days. She will have many more happy things to remember about mom.
But still. There's a lot of tears.
1 comment:
if only we could double ourselves. you're a good mom.
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