on the nights when you just don't want to be mom

It's Sunday night and until May 17, it's Mad Men night at the Fredrich household which is when new episodes air of the show I've been following for 7 years. I've been home for a month not really planned but Alice and I have been glued at the hip the whole time which is great but tonight I just wanted to make myself a cocktail, watch the show, and then watch old episodes of the same show alone in my office and just for a few hours basically... not be mom.

I put Alice to bed every night at 8 but she was really cranky and rubbing her eyes around 7 when the show starts so Matt, knowing I wanted to hang with the employees of Sterling Cooper & Partners, put her down for the night. Or so we thought.

She woke up a few more times and each time I went in there I would rock her to sleep and put her in her crib and as soon as knew she was being put down in the crib she would wake up and start crying and then become hysterical. I could tell she was exhausted but she was doing everything she could to keep herself awake and force her eyes that were dropping to remain open. Willing herself not to sleep. The daily battle we have with our daughter. I wish she could just be laid down and sleep but it's a battle for every nap except the ones where she's in a car seat as our car is moving. It's gotten increasingly difficult as she's gotten older to get her to fall asleep for her naps. Thankfully once she does she usually naps for a long time and we've been lucky that she sleeps all night most nights but getting those long eyelashes to meet her cheeks is a fight worthy of pay per view.

I went in there the last time and tried to pat her as she lay there but she was up in moments and she stood there holding onto the crib and I stood there over her, my arms wide and defiant, hands on the crib slat as she stood there whimpering. "I will not pick her up" "She's gotta stay there." And then she reached her little hand up to me and tugged on my shirt and looked up at me pleading for her momma to pick her up. Tears in both our eyes I did. I rocked her one more time and laid her down with her heavy but still open eyes before I walked back into the office again to watch her on the monitor (as I am still doing) keep popping her head up and sitting up and refusing to just go to sleep.

On any other day I would go in there time and time again to rock her to sleep without much complaint but tonight, just for tonight, I just didn't want to be mom.