Junior year at Biola was pretty emotionally spectacular. There was a lot going on in my life in all areas of life and as things were happening externally, God was working inside me through those external elements. My journal entries around that time show an emotional maturity I don't recall having. I had developed a keen self-awareness you can see as evidenced by this Sept 21 entry:
My faults, weaknesses are: selfishness, pride (foolish at that), foot in mouth, inability to soften blows, directness with bad intentions, procrastination, inability to be with free time, confusion about family choices, irrationality, thinking too fast, deciding wrongly; fear of commitment, fear of attachment, fear of loss of independence, ability to forget but not truly forgive, indecision, lust, laziness, giving up or putting in less effort when confronted with hard situations, ability to chose mere problems to deal with vs real issues, fear of rejection, fear of ineptness, fear of being seen as ordinary, meanness, gossip, egotistical views of looks, spaciness (need lots of space), vanity, uncaring heart for others, inability to handle other's grief, confusion about various roles I have to play (RTF, woman, Christian, Latina, etc), lack of grace, and unholiness.
The paragraph before that were my strengths which were pretty boring. None of the juicy stuff I'm admitting above. Actually though I gotta say that I do disagree with one. I don't think it's a weakness to be confused about the many roles a person plays in life. That's just life.
I'm feeling rather shallow lately. That's probably why I decided to think about my brain and chose times in my life where I had no freaking clue what I was talking about and a time in life when I did. 15 year olds are stupid and don't know shit. 20 year old me in college was deep because so much is going on and emotions and thoughts are strong. 29 year old happily married, nice job, nice home me's brain is in danger of becoming mush. I think writing is a part of my salvation out of the land of shallow.
3 comments:
Wow. That kind of honesty scares me. Ballsy evaluation. I hear you about feeling kinda shallow- I feel like we discussed so many deep things in college. LOve.
we can't always be deep. we'd lose our minds.
I had a similar yet opposite moment when I discovered that Facebook had been keeping all my interactions with people from 2006. When I was re-reading a chat thread with someone I came across an email sent from 2007-Me. I was a flight attendant, and man, was I superficial.
Geez!
Anyway, I'm kinda glad I ended up in a mushy industry. It compels me to think deeply about other things. Whereas, when I was working in law, all I wanted to do was watch Bravo and think about what it would be like to be a Real Housewife. :)
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