Wednesday, June 1, 2011

womanhood has changed

I was on pintrest today, looking at the pins everyone has and realized that 90% of users must be women because all I see are pictures of weddings, babies, interiors, food, and clothes. Unless men have suddenly grown ovaries, that place is mainly for girls. But what kind of girls you say? What type of women are in there?

They're obsessed with weddings.

They're obsessed with babies.

They're obsessed with cooking.

Did I just time travel? Have I gone back in time to 1960s America where the women were expected to lay it all down for a shiny ring, a screaming poop monster, and a hot stove?

Nope. This is women now. As Charlotte so accurately stated in "Sex and the City" when she quit her great job as a curator at an art gallery to try to get pregnant (which I think was a bullshit move on her part, quitter!), she said the woman's movement was about choice and she chooses her choice. She was yelling that on the phone to one of her best friends Miranda who is a lawyer, defending herself for being one of those women they hate, that just works until they get pregnant and desperately wanted her friend to get behind her choice. Which frankly she didn't really need, she just wanted it.

I wish I could say this is a general observation about women but it's actually all about me me me me me me me. Since all this women's movement stuff and marriage and family and self image stuff is things I think about all the time. But particularly since, hello, I have a blog, the way we wish to be perceived as we relate to all of those roles day to day to the outside world and particularly strangers in the internet and friends who are not as anonymous.

Who do I want to be perceived as being and who am I really?

Well, I'd like to be perceived as happily married and whew, I am. I don't want to talk about my marriage and all the awesome things my husband does all the time because it's private and I don't want to rub my happiness in anyone's face, not even exs that are fat and ugly and losing their hair. We have an expression in Mexico that says "No cuentes tu dinero en frente de los pobres" which is don't count your money in front of the poor. It's sad to say that being in a relationship is one of those things women use to value their worth. Men too but I'm not a dude so I can't speak for them. And it's also that "high school reunion" litmus test categories of "are you dating anyone" "what's your job" "where do you live" "are you fat or not". So I want to be in the yes I am dating someone, I actually got someone to commit to spending his life with me. And he's not ugly, in fact he's handsome and he's funny. In your face guy I had a crush on in high school! Oh that's your supermodel wife, that's cool...

I'd like to be perceived as a girl that's good at her job but I don't want to talk about it. I can only drop in little hey guess what I've been promoteds. Talking about my job is not something I like doing except to call Ali or Milena and complain about bitch bosses. Why don't I like talking about it? Honestly, no one gets it. Unless they're in it, they won't get it and they can't relate. I assume other professions have those quirks like being in the armed forces or working for a non-profit or teaching. I can drop a few anecdotes about my job here and there and that usually pleases the masses. Then there's the other part of are you happy with your job and yes, I love my job. It pays the bills and its fun and I'm good at it. The hours suck but what're you gonna do?

I want everyone to think I'm amazing in the kitchen. I didn't used to be. It wasn't ever in my nature to do it and didn't care a lick about food. This transformation causes me feminist guilt. What, so all of a sudden you got married, got some kitchen tools and a cookbook and now you're susie homemaker? Oh the guilt! What else is a person supposed to register for when they get married? We tried registering for movies but no one believed we really wanted that so we didn't get them ('til the Burges did with Arrested Development and God Bless 'Em for it) so they bought me a garlic press and other things I didn't know how to use. This is one of those stereotypes I'm sure those spiteful bitches at jezebel try hard to break up. Oh now that a woman is getting married obviously she wants to cook now so thanks for getting her an apron. I don't know why I wanted to start cooking but it happened. Now there were two people to feed and I didn't want to eat out all the time so what else choice did I have? But then I enjoyed it. Then it turned out to be easy. I wish I could say I had spectacular failures once I started using Ina's cookbook but the only story that rings in my mind of disaster was the freaking egg whites wouldn't stiffen. Other than that I didn't really have those crying in the kitchen moments, the stuff was easy to make and surprise it was tasty. I made food for other people and it turned out well and they gave me compliments. Then I got nuts and decided to throw a dinner party and all the food was good. Even though Michelle feared the worst, the food was good. I think there was a backup plan of drive thru somewhere but things went well. So now I can cook I guess. I say I guess because I mostly use recipes and I'm not instinctive like other family members or veteran moms but by and large I can whip up some good meals. And it's one skill I am very proud to have because who doesn't like having a member of the family or friend that can make a good meal they can enjoy? Who benefits from my hobby? Those around me. It's a category I like showing off, most of the time on facebook I upload photos of the food I make. Why? Because I'm showing off my skill. I want people to look at it and get hungry. I want people to look at me and think wow, you're not completely useless, you make good food! I wish I was your friend!

I want people to think I'm great with kids. So that someday they'll think I'm an amazing mom. And seriously, who the hell needs to know that? This is one of those things the internet has wreaked havoc upon. Back in the day a mom could be amazing and that would be it but now there's this ability to broadcast your greatness, this internet tool allows you to no longer be alone and unappreciated when the only audience that appreciates it also eats their own boogers and breaks your favorite dishes. I read those blogs about stay at home moms and know they LOVE the adoration they're getting from their readers because although these kids of hers might know they're lucky, they have funny ways of showing it. Or don't show it at all. They crave the respect of adults and other women and the internet is the easiest, fastest way to get that respect. To see it with their own eyes with a simple little "oh my gosh you're amazing! what a great mom you are!" And I totally understand their need to get that approval, I don't judge them at all for it. They're home, all day, with a kid, or two, or three, and their skills are still there. Great crafters, great cooks, great photographers and now they can be both mom and talent simply by writing a blog or posting things on facebook and the audience makes it real. No longer is it hidden. I'm glad this exists because someday I may be a stay at... ha ha ha ha, yeah right, but seriously, this has been a good thing for women. A great thing. Moms are less likely to go nuts and leave their families. Because they no longer have to feel alone. For some families the best option is for the mom to stay home and if they are at home, alone, they can still have an outlet, they can still have a side job, make some income for their family, nurture a dormant passion, be their own person and not completely lose themselves, make friends online that can relate to them, get help from strangers that have been through what they're going through, and so on.

I have fallen prey to the world of THE CHILDREN because my immediate family was unexpectedly given two last year. I wish I could stop loving and thinking about and talking about my nieces but it's not easy. They're my life, well a big part of it at least. And I will not be a passive aunt, not my style. So I spoil, I babysit, and I brag about it because it looks good on my resume to be nice to children. Plus my nieces are freaking adorable and I'm using this blog as my tool to show that I do have a heart.

On the other hand it can be a very superficial tool. Some of these moms might just be attention whores trying to make themselves relevant again. Who knows. What bugs me and I don't know why is the ones that start talking about when they have kids when they're not even pregnant like it's this end all be all for a woman. Some women might be unable to get pregnant. Some women don't ever want children. Some frankly shouldn't. But these girls are making pregnancy and motherhood to be a glorious achievement and you're not really a woman unless you do it. Eff. You. I have a female boss that's a particular freaking pill about this. I've never wanted to tie my tubes just to shut her up and I make comments that bug her that I don't even believe myself. "OH I don't think I'll ever have children." "Oh it's definitely not for me." And then there's the ones that transform from normal person to complete lunatic once they find out they're pregnant. Everything is about that now and I get it, it's a BIG freaking deal but you don't have to throw a gender reveal party to rub it in everyone's face. 'Cause guess what? Women in other countries have babies in huts. Women have been having babies forever. Yours is not special or precious or unique. Congratulations, seriously. But come on. You're almost as bad as...

THE BRIDES. No actually I think the pregnant ones are worse but THE BRIDES.

I feel I can be particularly smug about this one because I walked through the hot coals of a wedding and I can say I was not like these girls are with their planning the whole thing and just dropping whatever male they roped into their ideal scenario. I did not fantasize about being the queen. So I can tell these dumbasses that they can just keep their fantasies to themselves. No one cares about what your dream dress or dream wedding looks like. You can't now nor ever afford the Vera Wang Monique Lhullier dress so give it up. You're setting the women's movement back. A wedding is not a woman's end all be all. It's one day. Plus there's a 50% chance you'll get divorced so spare us all the constant blah blah about your day. We don't care. I think I'm particularly hostile about weddings because I find them to be by and large frivolous, or maybe I should say the women I'm aiming at are the ones that have a very obvious agenda. The ones that are desperate. The ones that feel like they're nobody 'til somebody gives you an expensive ring. The ones that make us look like babbling idiots that only want to be pretty and a star for a day though these bitches find ways to stretch it out.

Now, I love weddings. Yes, I do. Why? It's very obvious if you read my blog: it's an event. Crazy brides notwitstanding I love the event of a wedding, the chaos, the table settings, the flowers, the food, the attempts to be unique and original, ha ha. I like going to them because I'm a bloody romantic and I like to judge everyone's attempts to make things run smoothly. How do you handle the pressure? I just enjoy seeing it come together in an event perspective and good ideas for other good parties come from weddings. But ugh, give us a break ladies. I am so glad that now that I'm married I can say I don't give two shakes about wedding planning, I do not care, I glaze over. I cared once, I do not anymore.

So I hope it worked and all my scheming has painted me as that wonder woman that does it all. Family, love, home, work. And if it doesn't paint me as that and instead points me as trying too hard and being shallow well, that might be true too.

Then I can be proud of my honesty. BOOYA.


Michelle said...

so what does it mean for me if i don't cook well, hate to craft, refuse to buy anything name brand if i can help it and have kids that are pretty much constantly crying or naked AND i'm pretty much okay with it.

EvY said...

that's your choice. the woman's movement is about choice. i chose my choice! you chose your choice.