Friday, March 14, 2014

dreaming of her

It was a very strange feeling that overtook me once I found out we were having a girl. To put it bluntly: shit just got real. She was no longer an alien (well… she'll kind of always be an alien to me) but she became a person. And not just because I saw the 3D ultrasound picture where they very clearly showed her adorable little face, that according to everyone, myself included, she looks like Matt. Once they told us what "it" was a "she", a person was formed. She had a name, a middle name, a nursery color scheme and then the million amount of ideas I never even knew I possessed about having a daughter popped into my head. 

I imagined special family movie nights showing her certain movies for the first time and then gifting her with a toy from that movie. Her birth announcement and baby book came into my imagination. I couldn't wait to take her to the Aquarium of the Pacific. I imagined her giggling at Matt as he made funny faces. I imagined them walking hand in hand in matching chucks at Disneyland. I even got sad thinking about her leaving for college in 18 years! Hopefully she choses Biola to be near her grandparents but if she gets into Harvard or Yale she'll be on the other side of the country!

Ali and my sister Mary have been dreaming with me about Alice. I think they both being people of imaginations very easily connected with my wonderland girl. Mary asked what kind of toys she'd be playing with and Ali warned me, rightly so, that learning to talk will be high on her priorities list.

I love that all the women in my life will give my girl something. Michelle will teach her all about strange diseases, Man-D will teach her to play soccer, Ambre will take her to musicals, Ali will take her to political rallies. A well rounded education overall courtesy of the extraordinary women I surround myself with.

Every room in my house will have an Alice element. My office will have two tiny chairs for her and her stuffed friend to color in there. I want a coffee table in there so she and I can have tea parties together weekly. Our living room will get additional storage to make room for her little shoes and her little coats. The guest bath will get rubber duckies and a hook for her hooded towels. The kitchen will have a drying space for her bottles and the drawer will house some bibs. The laundry room will get a drying line for her diapers. Our room is off limits to her stuff (except maybe her in the first few days of her life) but I'm sure photos will find themselves in there. And the backyard will have a space for her to play in sand and a long driveway to learn to ride a bike. 

And can I tell you just how blessed I feel about this girl of mine being born into a HOUSE. One with a grassy yard and fruit trees. She'll have her own room. This can only mean one thing: I did better. I did better than the generation before me. I promised my children back when I could dream of such things that I would do better and it looks like I'll be able to keep this promise.

How can someone that doesn't even exist outside of me yet suddenly occupy so much of my mind and heart? I mean I would think about the baby every day but now the reality of our life changing is seeping into every part of me. I very much love this girl in my body and am looking forward to all our adventures together.